Testing Converts 24 June 2008
Posted by Baraka in BARAKA, Culture, Sociology, Spirituality.trackback
I don’t expect anyone to believe straight off the bat that Basil didn’t convert to Islam for me.
Granted, God alone knows if he would have ever converted had he not met me. But though I may have opened a then unthought-of door, I didn’t force him through it. Both of us were very clear that we didn’t want a conversion of convenience, so he converted only after careful study and reflection.
But once I’ve explained all that, I get tired of still seeing the disbelief in people’s eyes. They can certainly have curiosity, questions or doubts about his journey to Islam or “authenticity” as a Muslim, but I expect them to make up their minds after they spend quality time with him, not before.
A beloved paternal Uncle of mine said after breaking bread with us for the first time in our married home, Yes, we know about those boys who convert just to marry our girls. I knew he meant it as a stinging rebuke for us but I didn’t reply, firm in the belief that Basil’s actions would speak louder than any of my words. And, alhamdolillah, they did as my Uncle got to know him better.
But you know, though Uncle later apologized, I never felt the same way about him after that. I love him with caution now because I know that even though he’s my blood, he didn’t have my back and he didn’t extend us the courtesy of an informed opinion. No, an hour of dinner and light conversation was all he needed before making his hurtful pronouncement on us and others.
Beyond one’s family, there are many random Unclejis and Auntyjis who think they know it all: Desi girl marries white guy who converts automatically equals fake conversion. I saw it on our wedding day and I still see the whispered explanations now: Dr. M’s daughter married a white American – they say he converted.
We had dinner with some old family friends recently whom Basil had never met before. Before we even sat down, Uncleji started probing him relentlessly about his Islamic knowledge. Now, in my family asking a guest pointed personal questions is considered rude and it had me quietly simmering. But Basil was his lovely self, not minding and answering questions patiently.
Basil works for an Islamic organization right now. Once people hear that it gives him instant status and credibility. But what about when he returns to his tech job? Will he become less of a Muslim in their eyes then? Will we always have to bring the Islamic institution up later to gain their stamp of approval?
As a born Muslim no one ever asks me if I read the Qur’an, fast, or pray. They don’t test my knowledge of fiqh as they do his. They don’t realize that he knows far more about Islam than me and, often, them. I could be a purely cultural Muslim and yet still have credibility that no one ever automatically grants him. That’s a sad reflection on the way we welcome people to our community.
So next time you meet a convert, give your religion some credit by assuming that they studied and then embraced Islam because it’s beautiful.
And then behave beautifully toward them so as not to ruin the impression.
(Originally posted in Rickshaw Diaries, January 2006.)
Alhamdullilah! Says it all. As a Muslim convert married to a Pakistani woman you could have been writing of my experience.
Yahya
I can definitely relate – being the white convert in my marriage – my wife had to put up with all types of convert “nightmare” stories both before and after we got married, even though I became Muslim almost 3 years before we wed.
Like the Uncle in this encounter, my mother-in-law also regrets her thoughts and actions towards me in the early period, and consistently tries to make up for it any way she can.
Alas, such assumptions are made by Muslims and non-Muslims alike. Work colleagues have assumed that I converted because of my wife, not knowing that my wife is a convert herself and that we did not meet until we had both been Muslim for four years. I am not quite sure what my local Muslim community think of me, but I have been questioned about my Bosnian and Palestinian roots a few times; it makes me laugh. In general I think they are probably quite enlightened; my ninety-six year old friend always grins at me when he sees me and that’s enough for me. Friends with “Desi” wives seem to have a harder time than me, and that’s very sad indeed. It is also hard for their in-laws, who know the couple intimately but must forever challenge the suspicion and inuendo of others. We can hope that things will change with time, but sometimes I wonder when I hear the foul way some Bengali and Pakistani teenagers refer to white people these days. Let’s just pray they are just a vocal minority.
Well said! I think deep down a lot of cultural/born muslims have a dirty secret: they’re not convinced by all the hype that Islam is the most beautiful religion in the world… But somehow, given a regrettable culture of propaganda and stamping out dissension & questioning in the name of unity and brotherhood, we all give up that valuable inner prodding to convince ourselves of our path in life and thus forfeit the ability to have a truly spiritual journey towards ‘Ilm. The result is that half the cultural muslims in the world decide to abandon even the pretense of living an outwardly muslim life and most of the other half turn into copies of their tyrannical elders.
I see it as the reverse of “no, where are you really from?”
:-P
Must suck though to get that feeling. Does Basil feel about it as strongly as you?
Hi Baraka,
I find it interesting that you didn’t want a conversion of convenience.
Personally I am in agreement with you on that. However, its harder to manage family (and sometimes personal expectations) who insist on the conversion before marriage.
Hopefully your post will inspire a different thought process.
You have said it all, dearest Sister :) Love to you and Basil :)
Ya Haqq!
Thanks for this, Baraka! A lovely post.
Salaams dear friends and thank you for your comments!
Yahya: Glad there’s someone out there who understands. May we have patience with the questioners, insh’Allah!
Dawood: I’m glad to hear that your MiL has realized how wrong her initial impressions were. Alhamdolillah, in most cases where people got to know Basil they too rectified any initial negative actions or statements they may have done/said.
Tim: I’m glad that most of your local Muslim community is welcoming. Let’s hope the vocal minority sorts themselves out too, insh’Allah!
Max: I think deep down a lot of cultural/born muslims have a dirty secret: they’re not convinced by all the hype that Islam is the most beautiful religion in the world…
Bang on in your usual succinct manner MM!
Basil has definitely been met with a lot of incredulity that he would voluntarily chose a “restrictive” religion in such a permissive society and has often been told by born Muslims that they don’t think they would have done the same given the choice.
That says a lot for the type of Islam they are being exposed to, as well as how difficult it can be when everything in religion seems to be “No” and everything in society seems to be “YES, please!”
But, as he tells born Muslims who tell him that it’s incredible that he chose Islam, “You chose Islam too. We each do, every day.”
In Islam we don’t have a single ritual of actively choosing one’s faith like a communion or bat mitzvah. Perhaps that’s one of the reasons why our declaration of faith is woven into our prayers, so that we can consciously choose it on a daily basis.
Mezba: Basil has many different feelings about it, but always handles the questioner with greater patience and grace than I do.
As someone who speaks Urdu where he does not, I understand the implied rebukes or judgments of certain questions and so can be somewhat protective or defensive of him.
Generally though, I step back to let him handle situations as he wishes, and if he has time perhaps he will chime in here too as he did on the original post.
AMM: It’s a major issue in the community right now, especially as more women begin looking beyond Muslim circles for spouses.
Darvish: Alhamdolillah and thank you dear brother Irving! You of all people understand that we are called to the Beloved in many different ways, some through marriage, some through reflection, some through a teacher, and many through a combination of factors. He calls us to Him as He wills.
Willow: You’re welcome – thanks for reading/commenting!
Warmly,
Baraka
Mezba: No, I don’t feel as strongly about this as Baraka. Personally, I find it amusing rather than insulting. I know that some people might challenge my sincerity, but that’s their problem and not mine to rebuke. I assume no responsibility for the assumptions or subtle accusations of others. I have enough to worry about regarding how I am perceived in the eyes of God.
I’ve known several friends over the years who converted and then married women of Indian or Arab heritage. In each of the cases, suspicions about their sincerity seemed to have more to do with latent racism than anything else. It was disgusting.
Even more startling was a young man of Indian heritage who fell in love and converted to Islam from Christianity in highschool, who travelled in the Middle East and studied Islam and waited for years before he was able to marry the young woman of Indian heritage he had fallen in love with in highschool. Who faced much discrimination from other Muslims about his conversion. YET, when he and I encountered a young man non-Muslim man of Caribbean heritage who wanted to learn more about Islam and was, at the time, in love with a young Muslim woman, my brother privately expressed great concern to me about this young Caribbean man’s intentions being insincere–that he was only interested in converting to marry.
After everything he went through–for him to behave like that with this other man–I didn’t know what to make of it! On the one hand, he might have been right since the young Caribbean man disappeared after speaking with us about converting a few times. It may have been, however, that he disappeared after he saw how hostile and suspicious my brother’s treatment of him was…I don’t know.
I was already with my husband for 2 years before we converted and we pretty much converted at the same time (him a week before me). We converted, then split up for a few months, got our own places, etc…. We wanted some time to absorb Islam before we married.
Converting for the sake of a marriage, I believe, is something that is doomed to fail. Totally opposed to it.
I am in love with a person who has learnt a lot of Islam and is on the path to converting. I dont think that if it were’nt for me in his life, he would ever think of making Islam his way of life.. atleast this early, he’s 24.
But I have often heard that people who Allah gives the hidayat may convert initially for whatever reason, for love, for God or even by watching another muslim. Its not the reason but the fact that a person has accepted Islam as their faith and has sworn to walk on that path forever and does so, is what matters.
My sister-in-law converted for her love, today she is more a muslim than anyone in my family. I taught her to pray, today i miss more prayers than her.
Baraka i honestly hope my man can handle the kind of hostility he will face inevitably, n he hope he handles it with his faith in Allah and Islam.
Salaam and jazak Allah khair for sharing your perspectives and stories!
EM: It’s hard to predict what kind of affect ingrained community suspicion will have on individual converts. Everyone reacts differently. As you can see by Basil’s comment, it slips off him like water meeting a duck.
But, for others it is truly hurtful and the idea of not being accepted and welcomed may lead, with other factors, to them leaving Islam.
This attitude toward converts is not limited to Islam – I’ve read that Jewish converts are often received with suspicion too although they require intensive study before conversion and rabbinical teaching frowns upon the convert ever being reminded of the fact that they are a convert.
But rules are one thing, and people’s behavior another.
Giving the benefit of the doubt and supporting converts in their sincerity and their journey is a good place to start for everyone involved.
Sabiwabi: While the conversion of convenience was not something I wanted and while it does not always work for others, I have seen a few cases where the spouse who converted eventually developed a real affection and sincere practice of Islam.
I’m glad that things worked out well for you and your husband, mash’Allah! :)
Sumaiya: May Allah make it easy for you! It can be hard to live with the anxiety before one’s potential mate decides to take the shahada.
I agree, God chooses to lead us to Him as He wills: Sometimes through love for a Muslim (whether a spouse or by reading about the Prophet, peace and blessings upon him), and in many other ways.
I can only say that my relationship with Basil has brought me closer to Allah than I ever imagined I would be before marriage. Alhamdolillah.
As Muslims we have to learn to be more embracing of the many and sincere ways that people find Islam and God in their hearts.
He is vaster than we imagine.
Warmly,
Baraka
Its sad but the things is subconciously peple will always approach him with caution not through any fault of his but yours really as they will think “Why did he flirt with our Girl?”. Maybe he didn’t and maybe there was none but there will always be that taboo.
Outside of your family the general population will accept him Inshallah but again its upto all of us as to how much of a muslim we become. Are we a said the shadah muslim or are we a 3 salaah a day muslim, a 5 salah a day muslim or All salaah and follow the sunnah muslim? ete. We are all muslims but how much of a beleiver are we? In the end respect and honour are in the hands of ALlah inshallah the more we become firm and estblished in our religions regardless of whether we are convert or born in to it, Inshallah Allah will raise our status in both worlds and grant us a life of peace in both worlds.
Salaams. May Allah make Basils way on ISlam Easy. (Ameen)
ASA,
Remember no one truely knows what is in ones heart except Allah
cheers :)
Friend
Salaams,
Maji: Ameen to your duas!
Manu: Of course. Which is why I discussed their words & actions, not hearts.
Warmly,
Baraka