other|matters

retread| Value what they Value 19 August 2006

Retreads are quality post from yesterweeks that are given a second run on Saturdays. This piece was originally posted by MOZAFFAR on 6 Mar 2006.

Do you value what other people value? Can you make a list of the things that your spouse values? Seriously, can you?

If you can value something that your spouse values — for no reason whatsoever, except that s/he values those things — then you’ve hit a special point in your relationship. If you can also do that with other family members and friends, then you’re a special person.

But, if you have to rationalize the things that your spouse values, meaning, if you have to figure out a “sensible” reason to justify valuing those things, then you will put your spouse in a very vulnerable position. Often those particular things we value, we value for non-rational reasons. Such things may be special to us, just because they are special to us. Then, if we’re forced to make sense of them, we may instead doubt ourselves.

Worse, if you try to control the way your spouse values these things — even if in your mind you are helping your spouse — you’ve alienated him/her.

You can’t find your spouse’s heart until you can genuinely value those particular things that your spouse values.

Again, if you can value something that your friend values, that’s quite amazing.